trust__part I
The great Persian poet Saadi Shirazi’s poem, “bani adam” (humankind) is written as a prayer for peace. My Dad loves this poem and shares it with everyone he meets. I’m told it is inscribed on a large hand made carpet in a meeting room in The United Nation’s building in New York. It is the ending to story 10 in Saadi’s Golistan. Saadi’s poetry in his books Golistan and Boostan are reflections on the unity of mankind. Story 10 is a part of the chapter titled “On the Conduct of Kings”. It’s recorded that this was part of Saadi’s advice to an unnamed concerned king. Saadi told him that if he wished to live a life free of fear of retribution he should rule his people justly.
bani adam (humankind)
human beings are limbs of one skeleton,
having been carved from one precious jewel in creation
when a limb has been caused much pain by life
the other limbs cannot rest and stay peaceful as they too feel the pain
you, the one who cannot feel another’s pain
you, are not worthy of being called a human
(translation by sima shahriar)
One of the main differences I noticed about Minnesotans from the Iranians I grew up with when my family moved to Minneapolis was their absolute trust in the news they heard without questioning (this was in the late 70’s and early 80’s). This manifested rather unfortunately when the subject was Iran, a nation that has been plagued by a news media that eventually seemed to be obsessed with making a villain out of a whole nation. A portrayal that has affected and shapes almost every encounter I have here in the Midwest. This portrayal created a vast distance in my encounters early in my life. Often with people not knowing how to talk or avoiding conversations. It took me decades to understand this. Once I figured out the problem, I used my lessons in overwhelming hospitality__learned from my Iranian heritage__to bypass the discomfort. It never fails. The doors of communication opened. Eventually I entered into the halls of deeply informative and generous hospitality that is in the heartland. This was quite a surprising and pleasant discovery when it happened for the first time. It was also a new perspective, a new lens to look through.
Why did it take so long? Mutual misunderstanding.
I take no offense in many of the strangest encounters I have, as I see this as the nature of encounters of immigrants, especially ones that come from cultures so foreign to a region. Educating anyone we encounter by connecting is in fact a sort of responsibility for all immigrants. It is also the only way to learn about an existing culture. I’ve been a part of many conversations that demand others to try to understand immigrants. My life has proved to me that if I want to connect now, I must muster whatever it takes to connect us. That’s my experience. I have faith in people and am ever so curious about ways of living, so I’m not willing to wait a lifetime for people to get comfortable.
In a similar yet different way, growing up in Iran, I’d observed a deep distrust of any news and outsiders. The word used for a foreigner in Farsi is “Kharejee,” which means “outsider.” This distrust however was interestingly combined with an overwhelming generous hospitality to outsiders!! This left outsiders feeling so welcome, however behind their back, there was always stories and narratives made up by people. Narratives that included outsiders having some sort of hidden agenda. These narratives had different levels of drama in different groups of Iranians I was exposed to. I used to love hearing these stories, especially the ones about America and Americans as they were the most exotic, mysterious, and curious of all!
Stories, the way we often form our perceptions of others.
It turns out that all these narratives were baseless and untrue. It took me about two decades of living in America to deconstruct the untruths. It’s a real practice to change narratives that get ingrained in us as we are growing up. We trust the first circle of connections in our lives.
When I was in Iran this past April and last year, I found out that some of these narratives still exist. This was certainly quite revealing in the strength of words and stories, the first story sticks! I had so many conversations with family and friends of all ages and shared the real stories of people I’ve learned to know. There was disbelief and a pleasant relief as they heard real stories. Watching especially the young generation quickly acknowledge how these narratives find their way into culture in order to make outsiders seem like villains of some sort was also revealing about the openness of this new generation. There’s a shift with this younger generation. They have connected internationally with people of all walks of life, and they aren’t afraid to be curious and ask questions.
It seems to me that it is human nature to trust narratives from people we know and trust, even if their narratives are untrue, purposely or not.
So two important questions remain always: How do we trust each other when we don’t know one another? And do we just accept and trust all the narratives imparted to us by our loved ones and the people we’ve grown up with? The people we’ve trusted?
My Iranian heritage is marred and wounded by a long history of over five thousand years of so many conflicts, regime changes, dynasties overthrowing other dynasties, persecutions and genocides of entire communities based on their religion. Additionally, there’s the factor of Western cultures stealing and taking credit for works of art, literature and sciences from the region. So, trust doesn’t come that easily.
My Midwestern upbringing taught me in order to be accepted as a part of the community I had to be myself and show up. I learned from many that is how people start trusting you. Showing up wasn’t easy since far too often tight knit groups are extremely cautious and well, here I have to mention the really cold unwelcoming Minnesota nice that pops up as soon as an outsider wants to join and has a different opinion or is just curious in a different way. That was not welcome, especially in the all white, affluent neighborhood where my husband and I raised our boys.
In time, I found so many likeminded people and friends. However the first couple of years of searching and connecting were the eye openers for me. I saw the real face of prejudice, affluent power, privilege, racism, patriarchy and of course sexism. When you’re up against all these barriers, it is always hard to know which one is dominating a conversation, but you always, always know when you and your thoughts are shut down. I used to think it was the immigrant, outsider part of me that triggered hostile reactions at times. It turns out that’s not true at all. The real trigger I discovered came when a truth I shared from my view challenged an existing narrative, shutting down conversations at the speed of light. No room for debate or conversation.
I still chose to show up, speak my mind, and never allow any of these barriers to stop me from standing up for my values and therefore never feeling like a victim. Even if I wasn’t accepted into groups. This is a real issue with many immigrants, and the only way to overcome it is to be honest with who we are and not cave into what the majority may demand of us. This is probably why I found some the most gracious, thoughtful and well-intentioned people in my adult life.
I have often heard that it is only our childhood friendships that are real, pure and last a lifetime. It turns out that most of my friendships have been in my adulthood. Not by choice. When I moved here at thirteen, I lost most of my friends. I lost contact and so much history. When I realized I had to make an effort against all odds to start new friendships in my thirties, I went in deep. As my beloved older son noted a couple of years ago “mom, all your best friends are from recent times!” Indeed they are. Each and every one of my friendships helped me trust. None of them knew the power of their open heart.
Transparency creates life long connections and trust.
Forty years ago when the hostage taking happened in Tehran I went into silence. Literally. Not talking to anyone as I was simply too offended by the portrayal of Iranians as barbarians, and tired of discussions always culminating in vilifying all Iranians. There were so many narratives that made me furious and pushed me into isolation yet paying deep attention to my new homeland.
Today, I try to write to share my narrative against an ocean of deeply troubling narratives. It is clear that a large number of Americans trust only the people who look like them, sound like them, and more importantly go to the same house of worship and share the same political views as them. What if these are all wrong? Forty years ago I was sure my narratives were so true about Americans. Life has taught me there is something new to learn every day and many old narratives have revealed themselves to be untrue and based on assumptions. You know what assume means, right? When we assume, we make an ass out of you and me! Indeed, I try not to be an ass.
Lovers of Saadi, Hafez and Rumi who share their wisdom must also share that Iranians have been reading and known these writings, often memorized, for over eight centuries. This wisdom has been percolating in this land we call Iran for a long time. This is perhaps why Iranians surprise every visitor by their incredible hospitality, sharing of time, food and friendship__even if at times they might think you have a hidden agenda. They invite everyone to their table. They give people a chance. That is how we break our prejudice.
Hospitality, friendship, cooperation, listening and caring; these are the wisdom of an open heart and an open human being. Farmers and people who care for the land know this and politics has for the most part forgotten all these values. Every citizen must push for civil yet challenging conversations. Honest without tiptoeing around issues. No one has the right answer. Yet we certainly can see the people who are vile and destructive to society, most of them under the cloak of religion today. Which means people of faith are called more than ever to call out these people who are misrepresenting them and are repeating yet again more wars and atrocities only to gain more power.
Make America great again through our independence and our values. American values don’t include greed, friendships with dictators, vile mouths, empty promises and tweeting fingers.
edited by armeen shahriar
